This time of year

So it's that time of year again... holidays turkey, family, trees, caroling, presents and then there is what happens to me. I have always been the most festive person and big on Thanksgivng and Christmas and New Years I was normally by myself. Then i revert to Islam which doesn't celebrate these holidays. The holidays i loved so much because i loved spending time with family, cooking those dishes and giving presents. Watching holiday movies, saying Merry Christmas and knowing that no matter what anyone did, I was happy because of the season. Nothing got me down.

So, I'm 6 months in to Islam and have been dealing with the not celebrating. I want to deck the halls, sing christmas carols, and decorate the tree. The thing is... even though I did all that... I rarely received anything and I rarely spent the holiday all day with anyone. My mother/sister and neice and son would spend time with me and they all would on their seperate ways and I would be here alone.
New Years is even worse.... I would be up spending time by myself counting down the clock send text messages and then go to sleep. Even when i was in a relationship which was my last one... the 1st year he had to work and the second year... well, he quit his job and he was probably suppose to see someone that night because he was cheating... and as he walked out the door to go to do whatever he was going to do. i was sitting on the couch... watching tv with my blanket and a glass of wine... Maybe he felt bad.. maybe he really didn't want to work or cheat that night... I don't know but that was the first night I wasn't alone in a long time. Though he still texted whomever and was on his laptop talking to whomever... it was nice to not be alone for once.

So in a way it's a good thing that I don't have to go through anything like that again, but at the same time... I wish I could because of those special moments. Now, I'm just alone.

New years Day Evening I do have something nice to do. I can't wait. I will have on a saree' and some nice shoes... It'll be my cinderella night. :) Taking myself out and then driving home... but at least I'll have something different than the years before. ;)