Love and other things

Love....and other things that resemble it...

2012-01-18T15:44:00.003-05:00

want a love like this....

Be here done that...

I'll be back

2011-09-26T17:30:00.003-04:00

I know I haven't written anything in a while... Don't worry I have a lot to say. lol. Just been busy with work. So if anyone is out there reading this... I'l be back! (in my terminator voice) lol

Hopeless Romantic

2011-06-27T17:20:00.002-04:00

I think of the possibilities of what could be if I let my guard down and when I do i don't know if it's concrete so I back down. when i show affection I get scared of that and when I think I should stay to myself hopeless romance are the thoughts I have left. I can dream of your face, the look in your eyes, the smell of your hair, the way one would embrace and I sigh. The walks in the park and the games we would play. running like children and love in that puppy love way. I'm a hopeless romantic and so I wait. to let my guard down and my heart is yours to take.

My Other Hobbies

2011-06-12T19:08:00.003-04:00

So besides writing and living life I started making my own brooches. I tend to decorate my hijabs in brooches and I said... Why not make my own instead of paying an arm and a leg for them at the store. Though I have started purchasing them from the thrift store before they are usually one of a kind. Well, why not make my own one of a kind brooches. Decorate a suit, a blouse and yes a hijab. :)

So here are a couple I am starting off with. One of them aren't completed yet I need to add some dangly thinking on to them. But for the most part... this is ONLY THE BEGINNING :)

What do ya think???

The Mercy of Allah

2011-06-10T19:59:00.002-04:00

So let me tell you what just happened... I was walking home from the 7 eleven (had to get a money order) and as I as walking the thunder and lightening started... and it was getting louder and the drizzle that had started was turning to full blown rain. This car pulls up behind me driving out of the Bank of America ATM drive threw and as I cross the street she winds down the window and yells do you need a ride sister. I turned around and saw a sister in hijab and I would normally said I'm ok maybe out of pride or because you grow up knowing you don't get in cars with strangers I said yes... I would like to have a ride. I got in the car and gave her Salaams and a hug and I put my trust in Allah. She and I gabbed on for 10-15mins in a 2 minute car ride. She was so nice and sweet. She reminded me of an friend I had that I never met before. It was one of those things that you just know this is a good person. Sitting in the parking lot in her car which reminds me of mine (no air condition) we joked about it and my car and how we stick to the car lol. It was so fun just to talk to someone and laugh that was on the same level as you. It was one of the best parts of my day I'd have to say. I met a new sister in Islam. You rarely see this in any regular person out here. The Mercy of Allah sent me someone, a good person, to give me a ride and not want anything in return. Just to get me out the rain and take me home. Alhamdulillah May Allah reward her for her good deeds. Ameen.

Another story of my day... I have alot... :)

I was at the Safeway before I was at the 7 eleven to get the money order and they were out of order. So I headed to the Starbucks inside. There was this African guy there from Ghana. He hasn't been here long but we were talking or maybe more so he needed to vent. But I have nothing but time (though I knew the rain was approaching). He was telling me that here in American it is the standard to Multi-task as in his country it would be considered rude. Even to use your left hand would be an insult. But he was doing the opposite of what he was accustomed to and what he feels is wrong because that's what Americans do and he wants to do what they say is "standard" though he doesn't agree with it. I listened to him while telling him how I wanted my Frap.. without whip... he was telling me that its not going to be right if you don't put the whip. I was like I don't like the whip but I do like the chocolate on top. I then told him... It's not about all the time what other people feel is standard sometimes it's about what you feel is right for you. if it's not hurting anyone else. For example I like no whip and lots of chocolate. As I walked away... I told him... Don't let where you are change who you are... he looked at me and said thank you... I told him to have a good day.

It felt good this evening of what happened... I think that I learned alot in the time I spent out the house.

Yes it's hot out...what kind of question it that

2011-06-10T17:35:00.003-04:00

Hey people...

So it's hot and sticky out and the shedding of clothing has commenced. I have never been a person to walk around half naked even in my most revealing of days. I guess I was just a little too self conscience to worry about my skin and bones to worry about trying to look sexy when in actuality, I would most likely look like Whitney Houston on crack. Long skinny legs are not always appealing. I don't think I became comfortable in my own skin until recently... ironically I started to cover up now that I have become more comfortable to even show my legs and arms.

So today I dropped my car off at the local Pepboys to find out why the service engine soon light was on. While standing in line at the Pepboys this lady whom happen to be standing in front of me with her breast poppin out and the skinniest skinny jeans on that enhanced her muffintop is complaining about how hot it is. lol So here I am standing hijab, sleeves, a long dress and she want to talk about hot. I just looked at her. (end of 1st issue)

While I walk home from Pepboys in the heat with my trusty Susan Komen Cure Umbrella to block the sun I enter into my complex... happy to have made it here with the sweat dripping down my back I see this girl walking towards me. She sees me and turns around and goes a different direction I figure because she forgot the rest of her clothing, before she turns around she starts to tugg at her "dress". She had on a "dress" though it looked more like a shirt. It was fitted and it stopped right at her crease line you know... where the draws would normally stop at under your cheeks. I was wondering as i walked down the street and made it to the corner she disappeared around (where did she go as there is only 1 way out the neighborhood) what happen to wearing clothes. I mean she might as well just walked out with just her draws on made it easy on her self and everyone else. I mean. I'm just saying...

People always ask me "Aren't you hot?" I look at them and wonder why would I want to look like a hoochie off the pole... I think to myself...Hell is hotter. I'd rather keep covered up.

Irronically I get more attention from men covered with more respect than I ever did when my hair was uncovered...

Into this Muslimah singer

2011-05-22T19:38:00.002-04:00

Her name is Yuna. She's from Malaysia. She has a voice that is so relaxing. I love songs like this. Listening to this song makes me want it to rain and close my eyes... and day dream.

Wanting deeper conversations.

December

2011-05-10T18:28:00.015-04:00

So there's this song by Olivia called December they premired it on VH1's Love & HipHop reality show. I can't stop thinking of this song. I like the chorus/hook of the song but I have a remix to it. So this is my vision.

The song is playing and she's singing this, but midway through the song this is either rapped or it's just my poem to talk sense into a female that is waiting on this man...

So... the original is the Youtube video. and my poem that is a spin off from it.

I get inspired by small things this just happens to be a inspiration by the hook of the song.

December (Remix)

(2x's)
It ain't what I heard
You said you'd love me in December
Do you Remember?

Staying on your time
when's my time to shine
you thought if the boat isn't rocked
you can continue to spit your lies
all the nights I've cried
waiting on you to come
thought I'd hold my breath i've held my last one
constantly by your side
keeping me, keeping her
can't beleive I've let this madness occur
we were never true
broken promises, keep them I have no more silly glue
nothing more holds me to you
(2x')
It aint what I heard
you said you'd love me in December
Do you remember?

Wyclef said he'd be gone til November
So I admit it, my hopes were high
put all my heart in it and now I'm wondering why
thought maybe Feburary cause it was valentines Day
lost track of time, it's Damn near May
yet month after month I asked you to stay
your presence irrelevant now, time can't be rewound
speck of a memory, all the lies to said to me
decision for my heart for false loves sake
giving you a say in my happiness,
was my biggest mistake

(2x's)
It aint what I heard
You said you'd love me in December
Do you remember?

It's about time

2011-05-07T01:12:00.003-04:00

Salaam,

I haven't been on thie mamajama in a while. I thought I'd say hi. I don't know if I have much to say though if you give me a minute I'm sure I'll come up with something but it'll have to wait til tomorrow because a sister is tired and I have a class to go to at 12pm and Insha'Allah maybe the Open Mic in DC. We'll see what the day brings.

Love is Stronger than Pride

2011-01-15T11:19:00.001-05:00

I'm really on a Sade' kick lately but it seems as though the songs were written just for me just for now. I mean if you really sit and listen to these lyrics how could you not see that some things in your life it would be apparent that the lyrics were made for you just in that moment, in that second. Love is stronger than pride. though sometimes pride can blind those that are over whelmed by thinking of themselves more than others. Then they want to be perceived as though they are there for you and they aren't eally... Pride over all that is they want to be known that they are there, and what they are or what they have done for you instead of just doing it because you love that person. You love to see them smile or you love to see them laugh and you want the best for them. How blind some people are and they think they can see...

Love is stronger than Pride.

Masha'Allah

2011-01-12T18:30:00.002-05:00

Allah places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight...

My Muse- Felt like poetry today

2011-01-12T16:31:00.006-05:00

Glitter

Everything that glitters aint gold
or so that's what I'm told
and sometimes the glittery things
are internally rusty and old
or they have some sort of defect
that one by looking at it you can't detect
and when you buy it, you may be left with regret
or what if you leave it behind
although it was nice, pleasing to the eye
the gift would have been sweet and kind
not paying attention to what was deep down inside
and so, I sit and wonder as I leave it aside
was it me, was it my pride,
can I put my own reservations, and misconceived notions aside
will the strength of it stand the test of time
I dont know and I'm not the ultimate planner
and maybe I'm not worthy of such a gift
maybe my wants and desires don't matter
as in my life my intentions and deeds
if you were to measure them out with the good and the bad
the deed may out weigh the intention and the good won't be seen
Though I'm not the judge
nor can i say what will be
I just know that what will be will be
Everything that glitters ain't gold
or so I've been told
and maybe I'm rusty and maybe I'm old
maybe i'm used goods not to be sold
behold the misfit toys that gathered in the cold
though they say someones trash is anothers treasures
but how could you measure
when they see the defect would that change the intent
will they realize the glittery gold is what they should have
instead of the rusty... the mold...or the other way around
guess we'll never know.

-my version of Sade's Your love is King-

Your love is king,
crown you in my heart.
Your love is king,
never need to part.
Your kisses ring,
round and round and round my head.
Touching the very part of me.
It's making my soul sing.
Tearing the very heart of me.
I'm crying out for more

Inside this heart of mine
I've held you tight
even when I wasn't suppose to
when i knew it wasn't right
is it that you were honest and true
that I was so drawn to you
was it that we knew each others heart
though words can't express that part
I'm crying out for more

Your love is king,
crown you in my heart.
Your love is king,
never need to part.
Your kisses ring,
round and round and round my head.
Touching the very part of me.
It's making my soul sing.
Tearing the very heart of me.
I'm crying out for more

Sincerely you spoke with your smile
had me feeling like a little child
gitty for all to see
the happiness sprung from me
with every thought today you've crossed my mind
and though I know I can't reach I've tried
please know these words are how I feel inside
and Insha'Allah with ease everything will be alright

Your Love

Your love is real
your love is king
your love i've never seen
your love is innocent
your love is true
your love has me wondering if I could just for you
your love is what I want
your love is covered by some other stuff
your love never staggered
your love is what really mattered
and though time went really fast
your love I knew would last
because your love is real.

This time of year

2010-12-10T22:30:00.003-05:00

So it's that time of year again... holidays turkey, family, trees, caroling, presents and then there is what happens to me. I have always been the most festive person and big on Thanksgivng and Christmas and New Years I was normally by myself. Then i revert to Islam which doesn't celebrate these holidays. The holidays i loved so much because i loved spending time with family, cooking those dishes and giving presents. Watching holiday movies, saying Merry Christmas and knowing that no matter what anyone did, I was happy because of the season. Nothing got me down.

So, I'm 6 months in to Islam and have been dealing with the not celebrating. I want to deck the halls, sing christmas carols, and decorate the tree. The thing is... even though I did all that... I rarely received anything and I rarely spent the holiday all day with anyone. My mother/sister and neice and son would spend time with me and they all would on their seperate ways and I would be here alone.
New Years is even worse.... I would be up spending time by myself counting down the clock send text messages and then go to sleep. Even when i was in a relationship which was my last one... the 1st year he had to work and the second year... well, he quit his job and he was probably suppose to see someone that night because he was cheating... and as he walked out the door to go to do whatever he was going to do. i was sitting on the couch... watching tv with my blanket and a glass of wine... Maybe he felt bad.. maybe he really didn't want to work or cheat that night... I don't know but that was the first night I wasn't alone in a long time. Though he still texted whomever and was on his laptop talking to whomever... it was nice to not be alone for once.

So in a way it's a good thing that I don't have to go through anything like that again, but at the same time... I wish I could because of those special moments. Now, I'm just alone.

New years Day Evening I do have something nice to do. I can't wait. I will have on a saree' and some nice shoes... It'll be my cinderella night. :) Taking myself out and then driving home... but at least I'll have something different than the years before. ;)

reflections

2010-11-28T14:49:00.002-05:00

#1
Bismillah ir rahman ir rahim
May Allah forgive me Amin
As life continues to to throw things my way
we all struggle with which path to take
should I do this or that,
will I forget the haraam is on my back
weighing me down
and I try to get back up
and realizing I'm human
and there are things i still lack
temptations of the world and my own desires
I continue to ask Allah for strength
cause I don't want to see Hellfire
And everyday i get another chance to
to do what I do,
and everyday i find myself running back to you
and You I ask for for forgivness
and from You I seek mercy
Alhamdulillah
I woke up this morning
to say Bismillah
to put the intention in my heart
and if by chance through out the day
I slip and fall, insha'Allah I can get back up
and my Iman will stay

#2
so I've been in a car accident no secret now
I've been looking for a car and then somehow
as I am reminded that I am still alive
and it wasn't that bad
the day to day stuggles
kinda makes me sad
I am only human but that's no excuse
no reason to do wrong
and the mercy from Allah i continue to abuse
As i sit and think about my would have should haves
and my conscience and heart I continue to stab
as the throughs flow out my heart
i know everyday i wake up it's a new start
I'm know it's not over, not just yet
I know that everything is a test
so, I may have failed a couple or a few
and everday i learn what not to do

So much on my mind...

2010-11-18T19:05:00.002-05:00

Thursday November 18th, 2010.

I know it's been a while since I wrote and I have so much to say but want to make sure I am careful not to hurt anyone in this...

1) The Music Video for Native Deen is out "I AM NEAR" http://www.nativedeen.com
2) Still trying to get Mooz-lum the Movie in our city... Are you demanding it. http://moozlumthemovie.com
3) Working with Islamic Relief as a volunteer www.islamicreliefusa.org there is a fundraising dinner on Dec 19th for Palestine
4) Eid Mubarak
5) Got into a car accident trying to help a sister get her kids/grandkids to Eid prayer... went to the hospital on Tuesday... on some good ole muscle relaxers for the pain

HERE... is where the stuff on my mind is...I am so grateful to Allah that I am an independent person and the only One I depend on is Allah. No man, no other person can give me what I need or want. I understand that a man is the protectors and the ones to provide for us but who said you had to depend on them and that when you have a child that you should only stay home and take care of them. I thank Allah I don't think like that or have a mother that thinks that they have to depend on someone else...Not that I have to take care of myself but because I want to... even when I get married that would not change in me...Independence is sexy, it's appealing... It shows your strength...I've learned that you aren't owed anything in this life... No one should be so dependent upon someone else that they can't do for themselves...I have learned that I give too much of myself to help others only to find out that they choose not to do for themselves so... WHY should I do for them. Come on, I have because Allah provided me the means to have what I have, the will to have what I have... don't use me because you CHOOSE not to do for yourself and expect others to do for you... That is ridiculous.

Also, what I've learned People only think of themselves. No one thinks of what other people are going through. A brother sends me a message on FB after a month has passed to tell me I have no tack or integrity about the way I told him NOT to go through my friendlist scrolling looking for a wife. That is not what My friendlist is for... for you to search and befriend people you don't know looking for a wife. So i told him stop befriending people on my friendlist then i went through my friends list and blocked all the females from the view of the males for their own protection. Some people you befriend just by acqaintence or association but not because they are accuately "your" friend. Some of those people have issues, restraining orders on ex-wives and so on and so forth which had me looking at my friends list and deleting people that I don't know like that. Everyone should go through a trail period before you befriend them. So he sends a message today to me after this has been a month ago to tell me I have no tack or integrity... The nerve of him to tell me I have no tact and integrity... LOL when you scroll looking through peoples friends list to try to find a wife because the females you meet don't want to be your wife. So you look through other peoples list to find people you don't know so you can portray to be another way with them because they don't know you... Tact REALLY... REALLY.... LOL. Integrity.. REEEAAALY??? LOL oh boy a month later you still thinking about this. People are funny...

Irronically one of the sisters posted something last week about people going through her friendslist befriending her friends... and HE came to mind lol. I was like... I'm not the only one that thinks this way...

But it wasn't that serious for me to think about this for an entire month later to want to comment to him. I was done with the situation after he was deleted as my friend and when I blocked guys from looking at the females... Some of them are married and don't need someone filtering through a persons friendslist looking for a wife...

what else is on my mind. My car will be fixed tomorrow, this medication is doing a great job. and I'm hungry. lol. Can't wait to feel better and get out the house. See my family next week and just chill before my surgery.

All I can say is Alhamdulillah I have nothing to really complain about. I thank Allah for all I have and don't have, for my eyes to be open, my ears to hear what I need and to filter out what I don't, for the friends and the ones I don't need in my life. For my mind to be open, my ideas to be just, for my will to be independent and the strength, wisdom, understanding and courage to know that without Allah I am nothing and I would have nothing. That No man is the means to my having and if Allah gives me a husband that he understands that I am not in need of him for my well being but because we have each other to support and to live a life with out struggle. I've come this far by my faith and the only One I need is the Lord. In my weakest darkest hour, when afraid and can't see the light... ONLY Allah has the way.
My legs to walk, my arms to hold my mouth to speak and Insha'Allah i will only speak the truth with out gossip, slander, and backbiting but of honesty, truth, and goodness... Just had so much on my mind and so much I am grateful for....

It's been a couple of days how are you?

2010-10-07T10:45:00.002-04:00

So the last time I wrote It was a busy weekend. Hospitals, videos, classes, test...and being mommy all rolled up into one. Today I can finally rest though I still have my Islamic class tonight. I'm happy they increased the classes during the week because I need that in my life. I need to stay focused and have something of meaning to occupy my time instead of tv or checking Facebook... My mother is back home, she got home yesterday and I went to pick up all her medication from the drug store... I don't see how as you get older and the Government knows that as you age you will need more medication but WHY does it cost so much. I'm happy and blessed to have a job that pays me good to help my mother and my sister but what if I didn't have that job it would be so hard to get all that medication. I thank Allah for all the blessing He has given me to do what I can for others.

other than that, Life is going ok, I can't complain. I have so much I want to do this month and next month and Insha'Allah I am able to do it all. There will be a night of inspiration at GW on October 31 it should be a good night. I bought my and my sons' ticket last night so I can't not wait for that. there is a banquet and discussions on Domestic Violence and Woman/childrens shelter that I am going to try to make this weekend I'A. I have so much I want to do, I want to stay involved and help where I can. I don't have much but I have the heart to try and the will to be there and give support. There is also on October 30th the Rally in DC I'm on the "Rally to Restore Sanity" with the My Faith My Voice initiative. I am also going to talk to the people for Mooz~lum today Insha'Allah to help out with their project for interfaith relations. I just want peace for all and on the News and 20/20 they were asking what are the Moderate Muslims doing...Here are some things they can look deeper into if they wished...So how are you and what are you up to?

What a weekend

2010-10-03T22:12:00.004-04:00

As Salaamu Alaykum,

First my mother went into the hosptial and is in a lot of pain...but she is getting better. Please keep her in your Du'a (prayers) that she gets better and that she stays healthy she's the only mother I have...

mommy I know you are going through some things

and that you're in alot of pain

but I pray that this goes away

and when the right time comes

I can take better care of you

and the rest of my family too,

because it's hard out here

yet you hold in your tears

saw you in pain while you laid in the bed

couldn't move and the thoughts go through my head

If i can find a way to end this,

Stressing over bills

the places we've had to live

being a single mother you did what you had to do

and the strength I have, I got that from you

my mother, my sister, my niece, my son,

Praying to Allah that we can make it through

I know it could have been worse

and that it wasn't and grateful for that

I just was thinking about somethings

and I want you to know the strength and love I learn from you

that will never lack.

So Insha'Allah everything will be ok,

I say all this to say...

I love you.

.... Also, this weekend was the taping of Native Deen's Music Video for their new Single/CD "I AM NEAR". I am so happy and blessed to be apart of this. I am actually in it and met some of the most wonderful people. Insha'Allah I have made some great friends and we'll stay connected. You always need good people in your life and Insha'Allah this won't be the last time we all get together. The video is suppose to premier October 14th if nothing changes. I learned alot about how videos are made, the time and effort put into it is not a piece of cake. I've modeled in my past but this is my frist acting part ever in life and I hope I did a good job. I had to be aged about 10 years since I don't even look like my real age which is 30...I can't wait for this to be done and I get to show my family. I think this group is awesome and they are spreading the message of Islam... the message of Allah...When I took my shahada and I was given their CD as a gift I knew from that moment after listening to them that they were doing the right things...After meeting them, it just confirmed it.

With all that said, be safe, stay healthy, your parents if you are blessed to still have them, let them know that you love them and make sure your life on this earth is prioritized correctly and know you are here only to worship Allah (God)... Even the smallest deeds are counted.

Peace and love

The joy of being a parent

2010-09-29T22:58:00.002-04:00

The day your child is born is one of the most beautiful days that one could be blessed with. The honor to raise a child in hopes that he/she is a good person and a good influence on the world and one day raises their own children to be good people. The day your child is born you gain a whole new understanding about life, you grow up, you have this responsibility that this little person is depending on. Oh how blessed I've been to have such a wonderful child. I thank God for my son... and I appreciate the joy he brings in my life.

Happy 13th Birthday Jay... Mommy Loves You..... MUAH

I have alot to talk about... are you ready?

2010-09-29T10:55:00.003-04:00

I have never heard or read a statement so true...
"Never make someone a priority when your just and option." -Unknown

I posted this same thing on my Facebook and realized that I need to take my own advice the advice of someone that had more knowledge or wisdom to even say or write such a statement. You are always more wiser when you have been through something... I do notice that I tend to do that. I make people a priority over my own happiness, self worth and my own sound judgement to make them happy and notice when it comes to my happiness how many and who would do the same for me. Not that when you do things you are looking for gratification but you are looking for appreciation and if you needed someone they would want to do the same for you. Am I wrong in thinking that. But when you put that person above all, above common sense, or your own happiness, and your own morals or goodness forbid your own soul... You have lost yourself long time ago and when and if you will ever be found. I guess when the let you know you aren't as high on the totum pole as you thought you were.

I was listening to the radio this morning and this lady wrote in and her boyfriend of 3 years and he told her he would fully commit to getting married if only she would have a 3some... Now, she wrote this letter to the radio station looking advice... WHY would you need advice on this situation unless you don't know your worth... or you have this person on such a petistol and you don't think highly of yourself. Love does not put you in a situation that would morally impair you or conflict with your judgement of what you wouldn't do on your own. That person is selfish... My opinion.

Subject #2

Facebook friending...Or should I say friending other peoples friends that you don't know....What are your thoughts... Meaning someone going through your friends list or seeing those suggesting of "people you may know" on the side of your computer but you don't know them at all do you think that's a problem... I have been talking with my cousins and close friends (females) as this mainly pertains to the safety of females. There was someone on my friends list that befriended my sister (this person does not know my sister at all). I thought that was really weird and unsafe in general. We are so fast to "be friends" and give people access to us with out knowledge of who this person is, what their motive is, or who they are as a person... Just because that person is on your friendlist does not mean that person is "COOL" that may just be an acquaintence but not someone you actually KNOW...and if they befriend you it's ok... No it's not ok. In this situation, my sister does not know some very important details about this person and this person should not have tried to befriend my sister and she doesn't even know him. People get killed from meeting people on line, MySpace and Craigslist has had situations where people were killed. Now, I have to evaluate who has access to my friends as I am over protective of my family and especially females. I have asked people if I over reacted about this and they said no, because it is true... If you don't know someone would you open an email... No you wouldn't (I would hope not) because in the IT privacy/Security world you don't open emails of people you don't know because that email could have a virus... the same with people.. you don't just "friend" anyone if you don't know them or know of them personally or through someone, know their character or know someone that knows them to validate if they are ok... or not to let them in your world, your pictures and your everyday life. Be careful who you make your friends. (listening to my own advice) I just want everyone to be aware and make sure you protect yourself because you never know what someones motive/intentions are.

That's pretty much it... I want you all to be safe and love yourself enough to not let anyone take advantage of you...

~Peace and Love

Tea vs. Coffee

2010-09-24T11:03:00.003-04:00

My Big Dilemia of the day... Tea Vs. Coffee... Why is this such a huge problem. One may say Tea is better when it the tea that I'm mostly addicted to and not the coffee. So when I have a headache which I do, due to caffiene I tend to choose the Coffee which just makes me more dehydrated verses the tea which I tend to drink ALL DAY LONG... Every variety of tea there could be and I have either one of these beverages that plague me with sugar, Tons of it. And so the combination of the items I have issues with isn't great at all.

So Not only am I hyped off the coffee or Tea, but the sugar high kicks in and though I should use this energy to work faster, clean/ fold clothes, or something more productive, I tend to just not do any of those things but something calming which is to write... Right, that's what I said, Makes no sense and neither does this dilemia I am faced with today. so Let me go, get my cup of Jo and marinate in the dehydrating decision I've made... As Salaamu alaykum people
Much XOXOX

It's just a pinch it won't hurt

2010-09-21T17:12:00.002-04:00

So today I had to have some kind of biopsy and all doctors are a trip. They say... Oh, it's just going to be a little pinch it won't hurt... YEAH right. The last time I went to a radiologist and they had to cut a s light hole in my uterus and they said oh it's going to just be a pinch I ended up with tears rolling down my face and grabbing at the wall I was in so much pain... Today it wasn't as bad but bad enough that I came home and passed out. I slept from the time I got home about 11 til it was time to pick up my son from school about 3pm. Now, I don't know about any one of you but when they the doctor say it's going to be a pinch just brace yourself... It may have you crawling the walls in agony.

Other than that, about to watch Robin Hood with my son who will be 13 next week and I'm thinking wow, I am blessed to have such a good child. I thank Allah for my many blessing... I hope you all have a great day and a restful night.

Catch up with you soon Insha'Allah.

~Peace and Love

Drains me sometimes

2010-09-20T22:35:00.002-04:00

Just thinking You ever felt that people drain you... like their issues, or their dialog mentally and physically drains you...I am mentally drained by people and all their issues and misconceptions, dillusions, conclusions, about life, their religion and their hearts and such. people think they know you or they know what's best for you and they don't even know what's best for themselves... trying to give me guidance on things and you are lost. trying to tell me to research this and research that and you need to first learn the correct things...Man, I actually had a good day over all but there are some people that called today tell me somethings that they have no real knowledge about and another person that just blew me more than the person without knowledge. I love the fact that I work from home and I don't deal with people on a day to day basis because when I used to, their issues would drain me. I liked when I did go to an office that when I came in I would just do my job while listening to my music and the entire day would go by without my knowledge of what was going on around me and that was ok with me. Sometimes in this world, i like the fact that they "people" are dealing with there mess and I don't have to deal with it too. But when it comes to me and as much as I try to stop the converstaion or move on to something else they tend to drain me with all there mess, and emotion and just for me to raise my voice to say hey I'm not trying to hear all of that, I just get tired.

Please keep your dysfunction to yourself
share that mess with someone else
I am just trying to learn about this
and all that mess you said, I missed
cause it went in one ear and out the other
and I'm wondering why I even bothered
It's draining me of my energy
and I was fine until you started to speak
so I'm trying to hang up quick
and try not to feel sick
from the conversation your spitting
I'm wondering what are you thinking
I just told you I don't want to know your way
and I told you we don't view it the same
So plesse keep the dysfunction away
and that goes for you too
you the one that's going to do what you do
I could care less
and why are you bothering me with this mess, its just ludicious
I let you go awhile ago
and maybe you don't get it, or you didn't know
you have her and so let it be
why are you still trying to get at me
we weren't on that level anymore
and you talk to me as if I'm four
so please you can stop too
I maybe 9 years younger but I'm not a fool
just friends that was my way
and say to me, the level we're on that's where we'll stay
but what you didn't know is the level was lowered for a while
but you were doing your thing so didn't notice until now
yet I know for a fact I told you this
I guess it was one more thing you decided to dismiss
as you did me when she came in town
and you thought I'd stick around
Naw, not I, but don't get me wrong were cool
and all of you can continue to do what you do
just leave me out of it
just doing things real legit
all I have to say,
sometimes my energy is what people drain.

Busy and Fun Weekend

2010-09-19T20:45:00.002-04:00

As Sallaamu Alaykum,

WOW, what a weekend. It was beautiful. The weather, the events topped off with the time spent with my son this evening. Dispite the events of the week with my work computer taking it's sweet time to download all my stuff from one drive to another to the car being broken into and repaired Insha'Allah they won't bother anyone else again since one of them were caught. I didn't even know that after bothering the maintenance man about building my fence I didn't even know it was built already since yesterday because I've been on the run this weekend.

So first, on Friday I went to Howard University to enjoy the Muslim Woman Poets event which was awesome. I love spoken word and all the talent to include singing and the crowd participation. It was good halal fun. I truly admire those that have the courage to get on stage to speak and share their selves with others, I'm still trying I think I have to get over my fear of being in front of people this will be accomplished slowly but surely Insha'Allah. I even went to the After event on U and 14th street which I haven't been out there in a while and I noticed that I am in the best place in my life to be out of the life of wearing hardly any clothing though I still wore more clothing than most of the people I walked past I am happy I'm not in that life anymore. I am happy that I found the correct way/path to be on as I was lost then. I thought I knew but as I look back, I see I was lost and wow, how I have changed...So I went home after having a Chicken cheese sub which was HALAL didn't even know that place (JJ's) was there.... so shout out to JJ's on 14th and U.

Then Saturday I went to a pre-registered Halal Muslim Singles event. I have not had so much fun in my life. I met really great people. Sisters that I've seen before and Others I just met. Brothers with their head on right and it was beautiful. We played games, had discussions as a group, prayed together (1 thing I love about being Muslim is that we pray together, I LOVE THAT) There is nothing like praying with friends and random strangers that let just shines with pure beauty, We even wrote a poem... LOL... We were given about 4-5 random words and I think I still have/know the words we were given... 1) Kiwi 2) Lavendar 3)Patapus 4) Florida and 5) Mustang... So with those words you had to make a poem that has to do with Love and or Marriage. THAT was hard lol some people had words I would need a dictionary for... Some kind of monkey called a "moocaka" something like that. I don't know but that would have had me all messed up. lol. On top of that we ate and you know I'm all about the food. I don't know what will come of the event but like I told people I was there for the food and the fun. After the event we went to Busboys and Poets because I was already LATE for the picnic in B-More which I wish I was there too but I just wouldn't have made it in time since I stayed for the entire event that I was at. I just was having too much fun. So, at BB&P we ate, sat around talked, laughed and ate some more. We didn't leave there til about 10pm.

Today I got up early, didn't want to be late for class I really enjoy my Islamic classes. I receive so much knowledge that I do drive all the way out to B-more just to go. I don't know about Baltimore, MD all that much but I do know I love my classes and I've met really cool people. Which reminds me, I have class tomorrow and I need to study sometime during my lunch break tomorrow. I still have more downloading to do... because my computer got stuck and I had to shut it down. But over all, Work is getting down. I have so much I'm trying to do so I think tonight will be an early night so I can get up EARLIER than usual... So I can try to get it started for the day as most people won't be on the Network that early and maybe it'll go faster Insha'Allah.

Tonight my son and I watched some crazy movie On Demand (free) about some stalker chick she was absolutely LOCO. I cooked Salmon, wild rice and veggies and we then watched AFV which was great. My son is Awesome he washed dishes and made his lunch for the next 2 days... I am truely blessed.

So I hope you all have had a great weekend, that you Thank GOD (Allah) as with out him you wouldn't be possible...

Well, Until next time, have a great night and I hope you have a great day tomorrow Insha'Allah.

~Peace and Love

Maryland Law states : Kosher/Halal

2010-09-16T19:09:00.002-04:00

Maryland law requires businesses that sell or serve unpackaged Kosher or Halal food products to post a disclosure statement at their place of business identifying the basis for their representation that their products are Kosher or Halal. The Consumer Protection Division has promulgated regulations implementing these provisions and has designed the required disclosure forms, which are available by clicking the links on this page, calling the Division at (410) 576-6557, or sending a request by e-mail to consumer@oag.state.md.us.

The law does not define what is or is not Kosher or Halal. Instead, by requiring businesses to disclose the basis for their representation that their products are Kosher or Halal, consumers can make their own determination whether the products meet their standards.

Source:http://www.oag.state.md.us/Consumer/kosher/index.htm

I was looking it up because I love this Indian Restaurant up the street. Called Indian Gate and I've been reluctant to eat all the products though before my Shahada i was eating everything expect any products that I thought had pork in it. I never ate pork to begin with. So now I would ask the man... Is this Halal.. He says... yeah, yeah, it's halal... I look at him and I'm like yeah, he'll tell me anything. So I got vegaterian everything. So this guy walks in, ASA sister he says, he looks at me and ask is this halal. I look at him and said I don't know I got vegaterian food, so he asks the guy "is this Halal" the man looks back at me, I shrug my shoulders, he says, why then you don't put Halal on your door or menu he said, old menus...looks at me again, starts to pile his plate on... goes back to the man... you say this is halal, you say this is halal...so judgement on you, i trust you, you stay this halal... I smile and i get my veggie samoas and veggie aloo and I go home confident that when in doubt don't do it... Just because someone says it is, doesn't mean it is...but I wanted to be on the safe side... Hey it may be but if he hasn't gone through the trouble to make public that his establishment is halal then why would I put myself in the situation going only on his world when i have doubt. Maybe I'm wrong, then I typed in Kosher and Halal in google and the above came up with the Maryland Law from the Attorney General about this... so... there you have it. if you question if it is Halal, they are requred to post a disclosure statement identifying the representation of their products...

Just for your FYI....I hope this helps

Now, I have a fever and I'm going to go laydown. I was trying to finish loading the other work computer but that's taking so long, so I need a break. ttyl.

~Peace and Love

Gotta keep ya head up

2010-09-16T11:46:00.002-04:00

Hello people,

Thanks to one of my sisters with the "got to keep ya head up" comment on FB... inspired this...So I am still trying to get over this cold... So many sent their remedies and I am grateful for all of the well wishes... Insha'Allah, I'll get over it soon, I have a very full weekend planned for myself. But before I get to that...I get a call, while I'm in the house cleaning off my desk and trying to go through my files and trying to transfer eletronic files, updating my blackberry and all that stuff for work. I get a phone call from my neighbor asking me did you know your car was broken into. I'm still out of it, and I'm like wait, what? Your car was broken into, the police were here this morning and I didn't know your car was damaged too. I say ok, I'm on my way out.

So I head out side and I look at the car in the window that they busted and I see they went through the glove compartment and took everything out, it's just laying in the seat. I sat there, called the police back and I stare at the cars in the parking lot and notice all these nicer cars why my tinkerbell, she's barely running at times, I keep changing fuses and things like that. I thought why not someone elses nice car, but it not about why not their car, it's why do this to anyone. Why put anyone through this kind of thing. Not that it's that major or that it's so detrimental to my life but why do this. I know times are hard but my goodness, I'm not living like the Jones over here. :)

So, I was talking to the Police man and the one thing he said about me, you are handling this pretty good. I said to him, well, what am I to do, be pissed off all day. If I have the money to fix it, it'll get fixed, if not, then they know they got me already... it could have been worse. the car could have been stolen, it could have had tires flattened, which has happened to me, in my first apartment I was 19 years old, single mother working 20hrs a day at times, living off Penn Ave on the MD side (District Heights), not only was my car flattened but so was the entire row. I've even had my car shot at, appearantly they missed each other and poor Cherry got injured... Yes I do name my cars, Tinkerbell is who I have now. she makes tinkering noises...and I have to keep tinkering with her to make sure she's running right. but she's paid off so. lol.

So heres the poem that was inspired by the event today...

I gotta keep my head up
In times of need, and times of trouble
we do things to destroy each other
it's ok though as this is not the end of me
but the people that do this to anyone
may they have the heart to see
that this isn't the way to go about things
this kind of thing, more hard times it brings
the one that got caught for his other friends
when they left him hanging will he see how he's left out in the wind
to dry on his own unless he tells that he wasn't alone
So I pray for these people that did this
and I pray for the ones the police missed
I pray for the other families that this happened to
that they don't hold hostility in their heart and they get through
it's not the end of the world and it could have been worse
it's not the defeat in our life, nor is it a curse
it's the times we live in, when people do
what they feel they have to
to get through and I understand but what if this happened to you
Our youth is going down hill
and it doesn't matter their race
when they have so much bling thrown in their face
the tv, media and things like that,
and they go home and sleep on a mat
so I don't blame them for what they do
I blame the world for what we do
so not only to me, but to thime eyes be true
WE do this to ourselves, yellow, black, brown, white, in the red white and blue
The land of the free...to do as we please
to run through the streets
we send moneys oversees and we still have homeless hungry babies
we withdraw troops to send more yet no one wants to see
taxing and I wonder where does it go,
and I turn on the tv and see these reality tv shows
that has no worth to my life
looking at people drunk off their behind
puffed up hair, rock hard abs,
and we think this is funny so we all laugh
it's the protrayal we have, and wonder why no one likes Americans
and we don't even like ourselves, we destroy each other
protesting, fighting, protestuting, robbery, lying, and we are all dying
so why would I get mad at these people for doing this to me.
i have nothing either, I just have a better way to see
So when you go through strive,
it's ok, you still have life,
hold no grudge, no ill will,
pray for those that do this to you
As Allah is the only one that can forgive
it adds no more time to your life to worry so,
so in this moment, exhale and let it all go,
I gotta keep my head up...

~Peace and Love

Rain

2010-09-15T00:35:00.002-04:00

The rain is a beautiful thing but a couple days later no matter how much you don't mind getting wet, you can come down with a slight cold or sore throat which is what I'm going through. tea, halls, honey, vitamin C and other fluids and soups... that's what I'm going through... So I hope you are all feeling good and not like me and if you do feel like me, I hope you feel better soon. :)

This week is going by so fast. Wednesday already. I have so much to do still with work and with my home life. cleaning, and cooking and eating, and getting back on track. After class on sunday I plan on coming home and chilling. spending time with my son and doing absolutely nothing. get my fence built for my patio because I do like my privacy and my neighbors are a little nosey not that I'm doing anything but I don't need anyone all in my house you know what I mean. Nice people but they I catch them now and then glancing inside. So this will help.

Um, nothing much going on with me... so I end this by hoping you have a good rest of your week and I'A I'll have something interesting to write Friday or Saturday :)

~Peace and Love

Bismillah... On a serious Note with Slander and backbiting

2010-09-14T20:46:00.009-04:00

Hey people,

So it's been a little while, i've been enjoying EID and going to events with my class and things of that nature so I've neglected those who are reading and I do apologize though I don't know who is reading or if anyone is.

Recently, I have been amongst (not involved per say) but knowing of some serious backbiting and it is disturbing. So with out giving any information I notice as this life is a learning experience that I have to be more vigilant to the people I consider to be someone that I receive knowledge from and things like that. You know that saying Birds of a feather flock together. I realize and I hope you do as well, that just because you know someone or someone you know is doing something wrong, please do not judge others that maybe around them as being the same I don't like that saying... People are not birds we are all different from each other, we don't all think the same and we don't all agree with things that are not good. I am saddened to the situation but at the same time, I am happy that all this mess is now out in the open as it needs to be put in it's place and settled so WE ALL can move on. Things in the Dark do come to the light... Insha'Allah it will be over soon.

So this is my message to who ever is reading this. Be careful of what you say about anyone or anything, Be mindful that your words are sometimes more than just that and can not only harm others but yourself. Think of what you say because you wouldn't want anyone else to say things about you especially if they are not true. Slander and backbiting are indeed very bad sins...

Qur'an 24:14-17 Had it not been for the grace of God and His mercy on you in this world and the Hereafter, a terrible punishment would have afflicted you for your plunging headlong into slander. When you were spreading it with your tongues and saying with your mouths things of which you had no knowledge, you considered it to be a trivial matter, but, in God's sight, it was very serious. When you heard it, why did you not say "it's not right for us to speak of this. God Forbid! This is a monsterous slander. God warns you never to repeat the like of it again, if you are true believers.

I pray for myself and for you- Oh Allah, please protect us from ourselves and others as we struggle with this on a daily basis as we may transgress against other and we may have transgressors against us, that we try harder to do the right thing, to only speak of the truth and to be kind to one another with our words and actions Ameen.

Have a great day people in peace and love

~Serenity

Bismillah ir Rahman Ir Rahim- I start with the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

2010-09-08T01:02:00.003-04:00

I have something else to say about us as a people I pray for you and me in the days, months and years to come that Insha'Allah we will be able to learn to live in peace and harmony with one another, with respect, understanding and common ground of how to treat each other, each others beliefs, each others lives not only here in the United States, but through out the world as it was before it is yet again; in a world of hatred, war, senseless deaths; when we are all here for one purpose and that is to love, serve and obey/submit to the will of God... To Worship the ONE who deserves to be Worship with out associating him with partners as Allah exist with out a doubt, with out a dwelling in a place and God is as he before and will be after we all parish as we have one thing that is a definite... we will die as WE "creation" of God has a beginning and an end and Allah does not have a beginning nor an end for Allah is Eternal... That is the teachings of Islam...That mankind is only here to worship God-Allah. That is it... There is no god but GOD...

If you don't believe me... look at the the 1st commandment... as it was revealed to Prophet Musa (Moses) when the people were worshipping golden calves..."I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. (Exodus 20:1-3)" It was revealed then and it was revealed with Prophet Isa (Jesus) when he would state...in John 7:16 "My teaching is not mine but comes from the one who sent me."
and it was revealed to Prophet Muhammad(Peace be upon all of them)while on a retreat to Mount Hira for meditation during the month of Ramadan, received his first revelation from the Archangel Gabriel. Gabriel said to Muhammad: "Iqraa," meaning "read" or "recite." He replied, "I cannot read." Gabriel embraced Muhammad and after releasing him repeated: "Iqraa." Muhammad's answer was the same as before. Gabriel repeated the embrace, asking Muhammad to repeat after him and said: "Recite in the name of your Lord who created! He created man from that which clings. Recite; and thy Lord is most Bountiful, He who has taught by the pen, taught man what he knew not."

The Angel Gabriel visited the Muhammad many times over a period of twenty-three years. Gabriel taught Muhammad the verses and he instructed his scribes to record them. All the revealed verses are compiled in the Qur'an. The Prophet's sayings and actions are recorded separately in collections known as Hadith. Muslims believe that Muhammad was the last messenger of Allah (Arabic for The One and Only God) and last of the prophets sent by Allah to guide man to the right path.
... I know for a fact that this is the same message that was sent to all 3 of them...this is consistant through out the Prophets of God.

Allahu Akbar (God is Greatest) I pray that Allah protect, give the believers strength in faith and forgiveness from our sins and saving from Hellfire... Ameen.

It's been a long week into a long weekend

2010-09-07T23:49:00.003-04:00

Hey there,

Just trying to catch up on life. I realize that the end of Ramadan is approaching and in a way I wish it would start over as I think I need to continue in asking for forgiveness, Mercy and saving from Hellfire. I also want to recognize that I am not perfect and am only human and I pray for forgiveness for my sins from my past and Insha'Allah for my future Ameen. I just want to try to continue to be a better person and do the right things in life as it pleases Allah (God). I pray that in the remainder of my life I do the right things and pass any test that is presented to me as I do realize that in life we receive test and sometimes we pass them, and sometimes we don't and when we don't we should be remorseful and ask for forgiveness and really try not to do them again...I mean really try not to how ever those means maybe...I continue to retake my shahada as I am afraid to be out of Islam for any reason and make Du'a for myself and for others to try to go on the right path...

So... The weekend goes like this, went to the movies and dinner got my cheesecake Yippie...Saturday the day of birth anniversary I wore my dress and headed to Somerset, NJ for the Muslim & Ramadan Convention session where different Sect's of Muslims were there and it was nice to be around like minded people, to be with my sisters and brothers praying together, supporting each other's businesses and mingling and having fun... It was a nice way to celebrate my birthday and meet people from all over. I spent way too much but It was worth it as I got everything I've wanted to get while i was there i would have ordered online and I saved by not having to do shipping and handling. Sunday I headed back to MD, got my Mac & Cheese from my cousin and headed home, I was soooo tired and achy lol. 30 year old pains I guess. I actually understand the benefit of Ramadan and the blessings you receive in it as you pray and the fasting as a worship to Allah.

I will continue to try to be on the right path and realizing that I am not perfect... I can only try my best.

As for this controversy I am absolutely saddened by people in this world. I am saddened by the hate and disrespect to each other and as much as one person tries to speak good about Islam and each other, you will always have the true hatred of people come through and fight against what is good. It is sad that we live in this time of day it reminds me of the hatred towards black people, or the hatred towards Jews, the hatred towards anyone that is misunderstood or was misrepresented by a group of people. This Pastor in Florida is nothing but the KKK without his coverings over his face and his followers are in grave danger with their souls to do something so hateful towards a Holy Book. I am not here to judge him or them, I just know that this is not only an act towards a group of people but to GOD...I was watching Nightline tonight and the CNN reporter asked that Paster what would Jesus do. He man said...I don't think Jesus would burn a book but he would burn this book. That Jesus acted in a radical way in his life against things. Now, I don't know what Jesus he knows but I don't recall Jesus acting in a way of hatred towards anyone, None of God's prophets were of Hate but taught the people what is expected from us. so where does "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." when you do this to each other... with so much hatred. What happen to unity, love and peace when you have hatred. What happened to learning and understanding...what happened to all of that.

It also frightens me that those in the Eastern Countries will see Americans as a whole as hatred towards them and what they believe in, what I believe in... As not only am I am Muslim but I am also an American...The man is just so Ignorant... The reporter asked him...will you be armed, he said they are willing to die for what they are doing and they will be armed. so the reporter was like so there could be a gun battle out here he said yes and they are prepared to die... Absolutely ridiculous...I pray this does not happen that this man has a change of heart as not only will America be in grave danger with each other, but it will be in grave danger in the world...talk about a terrorist act...I'm really trying to be mild in how I want to express myself as I am really trying not to be judgemental and may Allah forgive me if I am seeming that way but it hurts, it's painful to my heart to my being and to each other...I just pray it doesn't happen...

Peace to you and I pray for peace, understanding and Love for us all.

YAY Wednesday...5:27am Central time

2010-09-01T06:27:00.006-04:00

Good Morning,

I'm up, I'm up...I say to the wake up call from the hotel front desk. I thought I was grown and stayed up a little late last night stuffing my face with everything I could find that had a high calorie intake. Don't know if that's a good thing but that was my thing last night. So my co-worker we'll just call her "Tammy" wanted to go to the gym this morning, she sent me a blackberry message... "GM u up?" so I replied Yep,
Anyway, I'm not going into all the detail, but we were going back and forth on if we were going to the gym or not...I was just going to acompany her or to lift some weights. Then she says " they probably don't have room in the van, if we don't go could you go back to sleep?" I said with out a problem. she says ok, back to bed... that was so funny to me this morning.

Then I started thinking...man, they are going to all be snacking in front of me all day again today. Yesterday they had cakes, cookies, chips, soda's, water, hot tea, coffee... and candy. I'm sitting there trying not to look at the food. Then some crazy hungry person thoughts came in my mind. All these walking gummy bears eating cakes, cookies and candy... I started laughing and they were probably wondering what in the world I was laughing at...It was the nutty thought that made me laugh. No, I didn't bite any of their heads like I normally would do with a gummy bear and start a gummy bear picnic or anything. lol. I know, crazy... blame it on my hunger and not my mind.

Well, the last day of training. Today should be interesting. Man, I just warmed up a bean and cheese burrito and that thing is hard as a concrete... :( I realize I don't like oatmeal with raisins... it's just weird...makes me think theirs a bug in it. Speaking of bugs...Last night right after I tore up some crab legs, salmon and shrimp from Joe's Crab Shack, I was attacked by a cricket...that decided to continue to hop in every direction I was going in. The thing I can't stand other than birds is bugs, especially crickets, those secadas, and roaches... Which also decided to make it's way into the hotel lobby a gigantic roach looking thing. I ran over to the front desk (I was a little ghetto and was sitting in the lobby eating the crabs, I was not eating it in my room)....So I run over there... Help, help...COCKROACH... he's like I don't want to see it. So he walks over to it... and says, that's not a cockroach, I'm thinking, what kind of deformed Texas bug is it. They say everything is bigger in Texas well, they maybe right on the bugs, birds, and size of people but I don't like the bugs and birds part. So what does he do, put a cup on it. Now, what is that going to do. I hope that bug isn't still out there, probably is. Yuck.

Yesterday, I was also asked by a lot of people in my Region about my conversion to Islam. It was a learning and teaching experience for us all as people came up to me one by one in different times to ask about it and also to try to make me feel comfortable and I guess to also ensure their comfort. I do understand the stigma attached to Muslims because of the people that did some very terrible acts of hatred but that is NOT Islam. As I explained to a co-worker when I told her that the misinterpretation of the Qur'an vs. the Bible. That people tend to interpret what they want in both. When I was watching 20/20 or Nightline Prime one night and they were discussing the situation with the Muslim Community Center/Mosque in NYC that's to be built 2 blocks from Ground Zero. There was a priest, and an ex-NYFD guy and the 20/20 or Nightline Prim coorespondant. So you can hear the frustration which can sound like hate from the ex-NYFD guy... which I interpret as saddness and greif with a touch of anger and the priest trying his best to see both sides and explain about forgiveness as he was also effected by 9/11 as his church is about a block from ground zero and has lost several people he knows as well as the NYFD guy who was in the middle of it all helping people. The NYFD guy explained that it would hurt to here Allahu Akbar as the call to prayer would be sung from the most as we do not use bells or organs as churchs do when it's time to come to church, the greatest instrument God gave us is our voice so that is what is used.
The reason he says he would bother him is because supposedly one of the terrorist said "Allahu Akbar" which means "God is Greatest" before he crashed the plane into one of the buildings...I don't know how true that was as none of us were on the plane to hear him say this. So people interpret this a religious terriorist act or extreme Muslims... When I interpret this as a terrorist that used GOD as a way to think this was right when it was wrong. I also interpret this as a misguided person who happens to be Muslim took his own interpretation of a Martyr which is to fight in the name of GOD to a whole other level... which it was clearly not any representation of GOD in that and something of their own thought and hatred for Americans... No matter if the American are Muslim or not... We don't know if any Muslim Americans were killed in these acts and we probably won't know as I know for a fact that if there were to be any the family maybe too scared to speak out and say hey, I'm hurting too... I lost my son, or my daughter or my husband or wife... because the hatred would be directed to them as well. It's sad that with some bad people or the acts of bad people that so happen to practice Islam (obviously, with hatred) messed it up for MILLIONS of Muslims that have nothing to do with their hatred...So I was expaining this to my co-workers and they agreed that they are uspet about it too.. But how would anyone know that you actually side with the right thing when so many people sit back and watch the madness, the protest and the discrimination/profiling or those that have nothing to do with this... I mean, we are Americans too...

1.) I thought that was good of abc to do that as it was a good dialog between 2 people that were both effected to a great degree; one that was saying it's not all.

2.) I am happy to be put in a situation that I can educate those and get others to look at this differently and talk about it and understand hurt because All are was scared and hurt too and are fighting against terriorism it seems in every country including the ones that the terriorist come from. I guess no one wants to realize that the same people we are being terrorized by are terrorizing their own people in their county as well... and guess what about 99% of them are Muslim guess it's harder to profile them...

3.) Now that I am a Muslim I can sympathize with the ones that have been going through things all this time and admire the strength to be who they are and continue to teach people that it's about peace. I can't wait for that movie Mooz~lum to come out in my city. Youtube it and watch the trailer...So really good well known actors are in it.

4.) My co-workers have been very supportive of my conversion and have openly asked questions without judgement...

5.) I work with and for veterans and with families that have lost loved ones in this war and I know first hand how this continues to effect people, I've met the soilders that have lost limbs, that is recovering from explosives, the mothers that are greiving and have memorials and roads and sponsored golf games for the families that have lost their kids and I have cried with them all and hugged and understand the hurt. I am a bridge to healing and I take all of their hurts in my heart and make it my own.

So I say all of this to say I know that this will not be easy for any of us in this world. There is so much hatred and misunderstanding and closed mindedness that we need to learn to forgive, teach each other to love, to listen and understand and we have to do this with an open mind and an open heart or else we will never move forward as one and in peace and love. I don't know God's plan for me or how I will handle my hijab wearing when I go to VA facilities to work but I can start to change the minds and heart of people one by one, maybe...

As for my hunger pains... It's the last couple of days of Ramadan, and in the last 10 days it's asking Allah (God) for saving from Hellfire. This month has showed me strength and has showed me that God is the Greatest, the Almighty, the Merciful, and the Forgiving and things happen according to His will. I don't know anyone that would disagree with that... So I hope you all have a great day today Insha'Allah (God Willing), that you don't judge people or at least try your best, open your hearts, minds, and look through your heart and not always your eyes... When you see someone walking down the street... maybe imagine your face and think how would I would someone to treat me...and do that to everyone... Hey, that's one of those Golden Rules... Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...

As Salaamu Alaykum. (peace be upon you)

Excuse any typos in this long blog as it was 5 something in the morning and I may at a later date go through this and fix it, but you get the point. lol.

9/11 Happened to Us All @ Yahoo! Video

~Peace

It's only Tuesday

2010-08-31T13:20:00.003-04:00

Hello there,

So it's only Tuesday and this is day 1 of my training here in good ole Texas. i'm still fasting and I think I might be loosing some weight which is something I do NOT want to do. LOL. I mean if you see me, you would understand... Imagine 5'2" slim 110, wearing a between a size 2-4... So you can see my concern that I do not want to loose weight. Protein Shakes and all kinds of vitamins is definitely on my mind. But I want to continue my fast as this is a form or Worship and I want to receive the benifit of this worship to God. So a couple of pounds can be regained once it's completed so trust and believe I will be tearing up some food.

I just realized that other people are reading my blogs... Hey Marquette, you get a special shout out for your comment to me. Yes, I will definitely check out 30 days.
Thank you for reading... :)

Well, I'm still in a training with the job and just counting down the time to get ready to go to the hotel to relax and eat. I'll write back before the day is over.

Random Selection

2010-08-30T12:20:00.006-04:00

I've been a Federal Employee for most of my Adult life. Between FAA, TSA, DOT, and the DVA... and in between those jobs a contractor for DoD and other Federal Agencies...So when I was "randomly Selected" at the airport this morning it made me wake up a little...See, she said she was checking for wires...at lease she was honest and said it with a smile. I've been Muslim for 3 months and have never been profiled in my life. For one, I'm not a black man, or driving a nice car in a rich neighborhood. So I feel for you black men and my Muslim community for being profiled for being who you are and believing in God or the Muslim woman that wear a Hijab like me... So I was inspired this morning...

Random Selection
singled out detection
That's what it's called
She said she was looking for wires
inside my hijab
so she rubs my head down while I try not to seem sad or even mad
while the people are standing watching this
and I think I had a feeling this was something I would experience
maybe their feel comfortable to fly with me
maybe I'll be comfortable as they gock and see
with the smile on my face
while I withhold the disgrace
Random Selection
you're clear you can go,
as I exit off the profile random selection show
I smile and get my things off the belt
you could never imagine how I felt
to my gate, to my seat,
I can close my eyes as this will not be my defeat
I understand now, what the black men experience
having a nice car in a nice neighborhood
it's funny how people are truly misunderstood
but the media boast on what they think is true
and the public continue to follow suit
I would be more worried about the people who try to fit in,
to look just like you.
Maybe next time they'll give me a mammogram
and a pap smear too,
Random Selection
Singled out detection
She said she was looking for wires
so this is the poem that TSA inspired.

This Weekend

2010-08-29T22:27:00.003-04:00

Hey...So It's been a LOOONG weekend. My best friend Khia stayed with me this weekend and I haven't seen her in over 4 years and it was really good to see her...I've been so busy with running around, to fasting, to making time to eat, to spending time with my family...It's been a good long weekend. I'm happy, content and I feel loved and I can't wait to come back on Thursday God Willing safely to be able to see and celebrate my birthday in a very simple way. It's another turning point in my life and I am grateful that I am able to hopefully see this day and to be 30 and have a pretty good life so far. I truely can't complain. I have my moments that I look back and reflect on what I wished I would have been by now, but when I really think about it. I'm happy about where I am and looking forward to where I'm going.

So I should be on my way to sleep but I'm watching the Emmy's because Jewel was performing and I realy like her voice and I love looking at the dresses they wear. I had a good Islamic class this morning, we had a oral test...I guess i answered the questions correctly for the only one that was doing the answers verbatim beside this brotha from Yemen who is has photographic memory he does everything verbatim. But he's also been in the classes way longer than I have, and this sister just took her Shahada...I don't know why I get emotional when I hear someone has taken their shahada, i guess I know how I felt when I did and I was so happy about it and happy about changing my life that I hope they have the same experience if not better.

Aw, I just off the phone with my friend's son...the one that had the surgery on his leg... he sound so cute... but he's in alot of pain... pray that he gets well soon. You never want children to go through pain or hardship but when they do, it makes them stronger you just hope it ends soon for them. virtually kissing the boo boo...

My son let me give him hugs and kisses today I love that boy, he's such a good boy. I couldn't ask for a better child. I am truly blessed. I had a conversation about to have more kids or not. well, not kid(s) but another child...I would love to have one with my husband if I am to have a husband but if he and I decide not to do that then that is fine as well but I've always wanted to be with my husband and have "our" child but I have a son already and that would me to start over, do I have it in me to do that lol. I have no clue. I may just have to borrow other peoples kids let them hang out when I get that (I want a baby) itch and then send them back lol.

ok, well, It's that time I say good night, I've stayed up passed what I wanted to, but I had to sit here and be greedy lol so, now I think I'm done being greedy at least for the next 3 hours. then it's on again and then I'm off to Texas.
I pray I have a safe flight there and back and that it's a successful training session.

Peace, love and blessings to you.

I may have missed my design calling

2010-08-27T01:49:00.002-04:00

So today I took off from work and I will Insha'Allah tomorrow as well. I was trying to design my house and try to get my bedroom design on... but when I went to the fabric store I picked up this PRETTY fabric. It's pink and gold reversible with butterflies... it's so pretty. so I thought... I CAN NOT put this on the wall, it has to be a outfit. So I was in the mirror wrapping myself around in it then I thought... sari you know the indian dress that's called a Sari and I was thinking of the lady I saw at the fabric store...I could do a tube top dress that is like that sari, but have a split in it, kind of high that I can wear jeans with it, a little loose fitting and flowy that is a little more femenine than something tighter..So I called my mother and asked her if her sewing machince was working and told her my idea, she said to come over. So when I got there, I wrapped it around me, and showed her what kind of design I wanted and away she went. lol...a couple hours later... I have my dress... I will post a pic when it's time to reveal to the world :) while I'm out and about doing whatever... now, trying to figure out... White pants or Jeans? I know I'm wearing a white long sleeve shirt under it or i could hook it up with just a jean jacket.hmmm... OH... I have those pumps... but I have those other ones. too... I have alot of shoes...So many choices... I think I want a black and a brown one made like this too. Maybe I need to learn to sew. :)

Let's see, had a good phone call today happy about that. um, Picked up my neice from school and hung out with my sister earlier... Took Jay to school and I made a photo frame and I'm making a headboard for his bed. SO MUCH TO DO SO MANY IDEAS... and i need a dresser. Well, that was my day... but I was thinking I may have missed my design calling... I think it up and someone else makes it... Hey Kimora Lee Simmons does it why can't I...I can't be a model but I can dress them. :)

Ok, I'm going to go to sleep and think about this design thing...I gotta pick up Khia at the airport. GOODNIGHT

Love song of the day

2010-08-25T22:26:00.000-04:00

Listening to Native Deen

2010-08-24T21:36:00.002-04:00

I've been rocking the Native Deen CD's the past couple days... A Muslim R&B/Rap group...it's really good...

I am off from work Thursday and Friday and Next Friday as well. This weekend one of my best friends Khia will be coming in town, though not for me lol she's in a wedding but She'll be staying with me on Friday I think... I have no clue what she's going to be doing to be honest. lol. I don't think she even knows her schedule for this weekend. I'm going to be all over the place this weekend... Next weekend I should be in NJ for the convention. Going up there on Friday and should return on Saturday... This should be fun and interesting.

Just been busy the past couple days, I guess I'm not as boring as I would like to think I am. :) I have to see that movie Salt, Inception and Taken... I have a list of movies I still haven't seen Insha'Allah I will catch up on them all.

Well, back to wach Shaq vs... Which.. Shaq cheats and sucks at everything lol. it's hularious. Me and my son be crackin up. ok, well, Alhamdulliah, have a good night...

Eviction Notice

2010-08-23T23:23:00.002-04:00

A very humbling day today. I woke up to the noise of a family being evicted literally outside my door..I was looking out my office window and I didn't think the people were around... I went to the mailbox to find that the Rental Manager was out there supervising it with a smirk on her face and it disgusted me cause she was looking at me while she was smiling like that. I continued to walk to the mailbox to give the mail lady these evenlopes to return to sender (previous peoples mail) only to notice that the woman that was being evicted was standing under the tree, her children in the truck and she's just watching this. I came in the house and my heart hurt. I couldn't even look at her because I didn't want her to feel ashamed.. It can happen to any one us... When something is taken from us, a car, a home, a job...our life... and prayed and wanted to know what should I do. What could i do...If i were her what would I want someone to do for me, or attempt to do...

So it came to me when i went to get my son from school. They had so much stuff... I thought maybe they needed to put it in storage until they could get themselves together. i went to the bank took out 100.00...and when i got back I saw she was driving off, I asked her if she needed help, if she needed money to put things in storage and she said she was ok, and she was moving in the house they were going to move into on Wednesday but the Rental office lady didn't wait til wednesday, she was looking to embarrass them or something, make a point... That made me mad...So I said ok, but if she needed it, I will hold it for her and her family...

So I went to take Jay to his grandmother for soccer practice, and as were leaving out, her husband approached me and was like, my wife told me what you was trying to do and he thanked me I asked him again if he was sure he didn't need it and he said no that they were ok but he appreciated it.

When i was in the house watching this happening to her and her kids were with her, I sat in here and cried and I was hurt for her and I just wanted to help because i would want someone to help me...We should all try to help each other, it could be us one day and what if you needed the help and there was no one there to help or no one took that step to do anything.

I pray that they will be ok...and that people learn to treat others as they want to be treated.

First day of school....and My ringtone

2010-08-23T09:32:00.002-04:00

Howdy,

Trying to get my Texan on before I leave next week lol. Anyway, today is the first day of school. I am so excited, I guess, I need to be in the house alone working and my son is actually doing something productive...I made his lunch for the entire week so that's one less thing to worry about...My neice went to school for the first time today, she's excited to go. That girl is hularious...

So now...what you've been waiting for... in bullwinkle and rocky voice (Here's something you'll really like) I miss that good ole cartoon... remember Mighty Mouse man... i loved Might Mouse and Fraggle Rock...ok, so my ring tone has nothing to do with any of those thing lol when I get an email for work it's the song from Twighlight "Bella's Lullaby" I love it... It's only Instrumental, mostly piano but it's so pretty and that's all really. Just wanted to tell ya about the ringtone it was just playing...

I need an interior decorator/designer to help me decorate my house or just someone with energy to do it for me. oh well :)My mother, my sister and I have been doing good so far.

So I am now rambling about nothing. so, have a good day :)

Emotions

2010-08-22T05:17:00.004-04:00

Woke up this morning for Suhur and all I made was 3 pancakes and had a coke...but no smile. I know it's almost that time of the month and I know I can get a little emotional...But I notice that this time I cry about love...I notice i stopped expecting anything because I tend to get hurt when i do, so I just let things flow and if it falls through...yeah I still get hurt but the hurt doesn't last as long until this time of the month...when Im all emotional thinking about stuff...like how happy i was on Friday. Then thinking about my friends son, that has to have surgery and praying he'll be ok. then thinking about my son and how I love him so...Then when he goes to his fathers, Im alone...which i've gotten used too...I was watching videos while eating and even a 2pac song-dear mama... and Musqic song Love... and i'm crying...so now I'm thinking of love songs and a love i may never get to know...so...I cried...these dag on emotions.

Makes me think of that song Originally by the Bee Gee redone by Destiny's child.
*Emotions*

It's over and done,
But the heartache lives on inside (yeah yeah)
And who is the one you´re clinging to,
Instead of me tonight.

And where are you now,
Now that I need you,
Tears on my pillow,
Whereever you go go,
I'll cry me a river
That´s leads to your ocean
You´ll never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart
It´s just emotion that's taking me over,
Caught up in sorrow, lost in the song,
But if you don´t come back,
Come home to me darling,
You'll know there´s nobody
Left in this world to hold me tight,
There´s nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight,
Goodnight

goodnight....

The Odd Child

2010-08-21T12:44:00.002-04:00

:) My mother just called me... and was like sing...I was just thinking of you... You an odd child. I was like oh lord what did i do now... she said nothing. She was just thinking that when I was younger she would think i was laughing when i would be crying, she said even as I got older I would do the same. i would laugh but she would see tears rolling down my face and she had to learn to pay attention to me to see if I was laughing or if I was crying. I then said... I still do it... and while I said it... I was laughing as my eyes got watery... and the thought that came to mind was I laugh when I am covering when i'm hurt, but I cry because I can't hold it in even while I try... but I didn't say it to her I was just thinking it... and It made me think of the poem I wrote called Sometimes... and I wrote that I laugh when I need to cry...So she said... Sing... I was just thinking of you and I just want you to know that I love you... I said I love you too, smiled...we hung up and the tear finally rolled down my face. It made me notice my mother sees me sometimes...and I thought she didn't...I used to also when I was younger if I wanted to talk... it would normally be once a month... late...I would go in her bedroom and just sit there until she paid attention to me to talk and I would taaaaalk, for hours about everything...and the entire time, if she wasn't looking at me, it was make me upset because I didn't talk, I would stay to myself and when I finally did I wanted to be noticed...I guess that did make me a bit Odd... but it's ok. I like it that way... :)

Day 11 of Ramadan

2010-08-21T10:17:00.002-04:00

This is the begining of the second part of Ramadan...Asking for Forgiveness...The past couple of days have been going great. I have no complaints, fasting is coming easier except for yesterday. I over slept for Suhr and so when I finally did eat...It was not a joke lol I tore that food up.

I went to see Eat, Love, Pray... I read the book but the movie was just as good. still stayed on point of the movie though somethings were left out, they got the jist of it in that 2 hour movie. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD I'll be the first to buy it. I've been meeting alot of sisters, going to Iftars and just networking...Learning Al Fatiha the first Sura in the Qur'an...Suppose to start learning Arabic sometime after Ramadan...Still going to my Islamic classes...

Last Saturday I went to Crescent Moon Night Open Mic Poetry/Soul Food Iftar and I wrote something while being there and someone volunteered me to stage...I went and I was so scared but I did it. I haven't done spoken word in so long, but I love going to open mics...Poetry is the one thing I do that expresses who I am and what I'm thinking even when at the time I have no clue what on my mind until i start writing...weird but it just happens like. I came up with the title I want to call my Memoir..."This Far by Faith"...Well, I think that's going to be the name lol. I could changed it again, I had another one a while ago but I forgot what it was.

Just sitting here thinking of that saying...you know the one......If you love him, Let him go, If he comes back to you, He's yours forever, If he doesn't, It was never meant to be...I wonder if it's true. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic...And then again...a big scaredy cat...They should add on an extra sentence to that... if he comes back and you are just friends... that's good too... something to that nature just to have all the areas covered... Though we all know that if you loved that someone and they come back...yeah being friends is good...but we all know you would want something more...

So right now, I'm watching Lifetime Movie Network, cooking sweet potatoe cassarole for the Iftar later this evening...I wonder if it's sweet enough...Oh well...

Ramadan is Here

2010-08-11T15:53:00.003-04:00

Bismillah...(I start with the name of Allah)
Day 1 on my journey through my first Ramadan. A blessed month in which the Qur'an was revealed as a guide to mankind. The first 10days are days of Mercy; the second period of 10days is for forgiveness; and the final period of 10days is for seeking refuge from Hellfire.

My first day of fasting hasn't been too bad. It's funny that when you are doing something unconscienceously it's not a problem but once you do something on purpuse it seems to have some things that try to stand in the way of the intention and deed you are trying to fullfil. I say this because, the past couple of days I would not think to eat or drink anything and I thought after the day had pass that subconscienceously I was preparing myself for Ramadan... but once I woke up this morning for Suhoor and the rest of my day progressed all of a sudden dry mouth and thirst and stomach growling... Where was all of this when I didn't think to do it?

Insha'Allah I will continue with my spiritual journey in this blessed month to receive blessings and forgiveness from the Merciful, the Forgiving and the Greatest...Allah.

Ameen.

Read and exerpience it with me.

Sometimes

2010-07-06T21:33:00.003-04:00

Sometimes...
Sometimes my words are my tears
Sometimes silence is my fears
Sometimes my smile is a shield
Sometimes my thoughts aren't revealed
Sometimes I laugh while I cry
Sometimes it's a mask for how I feel on the inside
Sometimes a hug is my only contact
sometimes I'm standoffish from the contact I lack
Sometimes I comprehmise too much
Sometimes when I do, I'm more out of touch
Sometimes the moment is all I have
Sometimes that moment goes too fast
Someteims the sun is shining bright
Sometimes I can't see the light
Sometimes it's dark and cold
Sometimes the sometime gets old
Sometimes my poems speak louder
sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
Sometimes....

I've been in a little mood, not unhappy I can't say that but I am feeling a certain kind of way. I wonder where my heart is and if it's ok. I am a romantic and a sucker for love and sometimes I just let it get me this way. I don't know where I belong in this and if it's ok. I don't know why I'm nervous because I don't know how to be but once he comes around I'm quiet... once he leaves I wish he wasn't gone. I know things will go the way its suppose to I just wish I knew which way that was. the sisters I was speaking with about some of this, was warning me from their past experiences with this situation and in my mind I thought I had it all mapped out but I don't because I don't feel I have control or have a upper hand or even just a say in anything... like I'm just there...I'm just here in my feelings and no one knows it but me.

I Love Islam

2010-06-29T15:07:00.002-04:00

I am learning so much and that I have become Muslim I am more at peace and things that bother me don't last long as I know that Allah wills all. I am at peace with my heart and with my life and I know that when good things come my way it is a blessing. I have a good job, my son is awesome, my family loves me and my man is amazing he's such a good person and a blessing to me to have in my life.

I have met some wonderful sisters and we are friends and they mean well to me. I am so happy to have met them and to go to my classes and learning so much about the religion that in the process it's wonderful to actually be going in the right direction for once in my life.

When I made my Shahada it was sudden but I knew I wanted to do it. I knew that in my own reading of just the basics of the relgion i knew for a fact that I was indeed Muslim and I want to be a pious Muslim. I've been reading, studying, and testing myself because I know people will ask me about my revert and I want to make sure I'm ready for what they will say and I want to make sure I am saying the right things.

Alhamdilah I love Islam.....

I've been so busy

2010-06-12T20:34:00.002-04:00

This week to this weekend so far. working, spending time with my son, going to class, and trying to get ready to go out of town for work. I have been extremely busy.

I've been learning alot and meeting good people... the sisters in the class are nice and welcoming and it makes it easy to be myself. I've been really reserved and quiet because I don't know everyone just yet but I know that knowing them is a blessing and I am happy that they are now in my life.

I also enjoy going to class and learning. I don't want to miss anything so hopefully on Monday I am able to be on speaker phone and listening to the class. I want to make sure I am present for everything. Then Insha Allah, return on Thursday safely to go to class...I notice that I feel uncomfortable being uncovered especially when I leave my house... that someone may see me if I don't have on long sleeves. especially if some man makes a comment or has boogly eyes looking at me. it makes me feel uncomfortable...I have to start watching the tutorials to learn how to wear a hijab and invest in buying some scarves to where.

I went to a belly dance show today... it was so fun. I enjoyed myself and I can't wait to go to the class on Friday.

well I'm so tired, I think the heat has drained me and so movies tomorrow with my son it will have to be. I am exhausted...

It will be ok...Insha Allah

2010-06-08T11:41:00.003-04:00

So I am comtemplating when to tell my mother that I have converted and have become Muslim. I am sitting her trying to figure out the best way to say it, when to say it, what time to say it, through email, phone call or in person. it's funny how when you are so happy about the good things in your life and you run and tell everyone... you can win a million dollars, get a job, get a raise, have a baby, all of those things.. but when it comes to GOD and religion...I find that I can run and tell my cousins, my friends but my mother...I don't know sometimes her words can be harsh.

Update:

I told her... it wasn't as I expected it to be. She was calm... but I knew that was not the end of it. She says things but I try not to get into it with her. I'm not combative and will not allow someone to make me that way. She is strong, she is voiceful and she is the only parent I've had and I may loose her...And it hurts to know. I know she does love me and I do love my mother but I came in this world alone and I will leave this world alone...I just want everything to be ok Insha Allah (GOD Willing)..

I did it...I'm a Muslim :)

2010-06-03T14:22:00.004-04:00

So it's been a couple weeks since I've written and so many thing have happened, changed, and all for the good.

I am now Muslim...I did my Shahadah last night. I've done it on my own from reading my books and knowing that this is what I believe but last night when I said it after repeating the words...I know in my heart of hearts that this is what I am...Muslim and I couldn't help but become excited and happy and the feeling that I want to learn all that I need to know to know the truth and to be a good person according to God...I am so happy about this.

Derren called me right after and he told me he heard I did it and he was also happy that I did. That also made me feel good...I know my cousins, my sisters and my real friends all supported me in this and are behind me 100% and think it's a great thing to do in my life.
I did however loose people in my life that I thought were friends...There's this quote I tried to remember last night but I know it now...Why have enemies with friends like this...If a person denounces your friendship over religion or for insignificant things and worldly material things or because they are being selfish and uneducated...they could not have been a friend in the first place.

I told my friend Khia, Monique, and I'm going to tell Davonne...My sister knows and my cousin and her husband knows and they support me they even know what Islam means; it's a wonder why they aren't Muslim...hmmmm.

I'm in my learning process, and my lifestyle transition process...learning how to pray, learning how to dress, learning how to be a Muslim it shouldn't be hard but I know that their will be obsticales and challenges as nothing comes easy in the world and if it does...it's a blessing. There will be people that will say negative things but it's ok. I'm ready for it and I will have enough support to get through it.

I'm so happy...

So censored...

2010-05-17T19:31:00.003-04:00

I feel like I can't speak freely. Like if I say too much or I say something that will hender something because it's my true feelings and I don't want to be censored anymore. It's not that I have anything negative to say and if it were to be negative I keep it to myself but even if it were to be something good or I'm happy about something...I guess knowing that I'm exposed or completely open and unlocked scares me. I blog because I don't know if anyone is reading this...If you are hey... how u doin' lol (in my wendy williams voice)

Update: Jun 3, 2010-

I felt so censored because I was hanging with people that always found negative in any and everything said whether it was positive or just something said. I don't feel that way anymore because those people I no longer hang out with... I know it's a blessing that all negativity will soon be far from my reach especially on Jun 11th when I will onlyhave to make contact one last time...@ 1pm. thank goodness...it couldn't get here sooner :)

So I won't have to be censored anymore. I'll just be me...

loving you is easy

2010-05-17T18:26:00.006-04:00

Thinking of that song... Loving you... is easy cause your beautiful...by Minnie Ripperton...

listening to love songs... :)makes me smile....

Im ready

2010-05-10T20:24:00.004-04:00

So many things have been on my mind in the past couple weeks/months. Thinking of when when it be ok to actually to let myself love someone...I mean in love with someone. When to let my guard down and be like I want to talk to you or I want to see you. I know love is a many splended thing... One day Insha'Allah it will be with in my reach.

Everything you thought you knew

2010-04-27T09:38:00.004-04:00

So I've been on a journey for the past several years if I were to put a number on the journey I would say 30 years as I will be 30 in September. I have grew up in a Catholic Church, with the Rosaries, throwing the holy water around, trinity and priest, nuns and confession and my mothers favorite word recently excommunication. So of course that has me in search for truth of what I actually believe and what I don't believe should be. I've been to Kingdom Halls, Baptist, methodist, read on several others religions. I have book on what does the bible say about this and what does it say about that. Researching man made laws, creeds and rules. I am grateful for my foundation as I believe everyone needs a foundation as you grow up, there is always a want to understanding of right from wrong and moral or immoral.

I can say I am still on my journey and I can admit that I've strayed several times as the Devil is a lie and will do any and everything to steer a person away. I had to realize that first I had to love myself enough to know and recognize that I am a beautiful person that deserves real love from a man especially someone that is of God. And during those times in my life that was not on my agenda. The worldly things...clubs, money...liquor, took over and sometimes, still have some weight in what I know I should do. I guess that's why I have been back and forth with I'm not going out, or I'm not drinking, or I'll be celibant, and then to fall again because I don't know if I even believed have the things I said. About a month ago, I prayed to God that He would help me to do better as he wants me to do. Then the opportunity comes to me to make a choice to do the opposite of what I know I should do and then I'm left with the thoughts ok, next time I'll do better. When I know to truly change my life, I would have to change my thought process when would eventually have me change my life. you know....I have had alot of thought of this it's just putting the thought to action and stop playing around.

Everyone is put in a place in their life that they are given the opportunity to make the right decisions and if we (I) continue to go through life as if I am unphased or that tomorrow is promised and nothing will happen then I will never get closer to God and that's where I want to be. Irronically, I've been doing alot of reading and I've been understanding a lot more which has me thinking about things more indepth and asking alot of questions because why not ask if I am seeking to find out....

Anyway, If I love myself enough to seek something more than I'm on the right track, I tend to get side tracked but I eventually always land right where I was before...knowing this is where I should be and I need to make sure I stay focused...

ok, so that was alot to blog about and had me thinking alot over here.. I'm tired..I'll holla..

Peace and Blessings,

~Marlina

In the midst of it all

2010-04-12T23:11:00.006-04:00

It's been a long day...and at the end of the day I find the best time of day is when it's just my son and I. Spending time watching tv together, playing wii games, and just doing nothing.

My Cats... :( they ran away....

2010-04-12T13:44:00.003-04:00

So I was taking 2 bags of trash out (I'm actually doing my spring cleaning) and the cats flew out the front door... I'm out here chasing them in the hot freakin sun, and twisted my dag on ankle in the process. I'm limping, and my arm is hurting...
What am I going to tell my son....

thinking...smiling...had a great day

2010-04-11T19:21:00.007-04:00

Subtle thoughts,
makes me smile,
the night to the day and how
the time flew so fast
though I enjoyed every moment
wanting to feel your kiss, look at those beautiful eyes
embracing you, only if time would have permitted
but I am grateful while I sit
sublty thinking of you.

guess I just miss him.

Marinate in it...

2010-04-08T00:34:00.006-04:00

So after a day of working and reading and all that jazz. I meet up with Ro and she and I go eat Mexican food (the food was awesome) the weather was even better, watching people walking by on U street...listening to conversation...just being around life... it was just a beautiful night..I love the simple things in life so I'm just marinating in it.

Thanks.

Peace, Love, blessing... goodnight. :)

Hump Day

2010-04-07T07:56:00.004-04:00

I am soooooo tired. The thing is I went to sleep right after I watched "V" and I woke up this morning extremely sleepy. Well I wasn't feeling well yesterday so that probably contributed to the fact that I'm fatigued.

Anyway so I'm up watching the news... It some crazy people out here. I mean if you don't want to be married or someting happens in your marriage or relationship WHY kill your spouse... Just leave. I feel like this, If you don't want to be with me and you feel you are at that point that you are about to crak because of something I did or you just don't like me anymore, just leave me... I would rather be left than be murdered. This guys wife was missing for a while, he pleads for her to come back home, not knowing that they had a video of him drive to a parking lot, push the car off the cliff into the water..where his wife was found the other day in the car... Why go through all of that... ok, I just don't get it.
Oh, another one, my sisters manager was murdered by her husband a couple months ago... they were driving, and he beat her to death with a hammer and he drove around with her in the car for an hour or so then turned himself in. Was it that serious that you had to do all that??? I mean rage and anger and a person blanking out does happen...

I was talking to my mother yesterday and she actually mentioned about how she believes that a person can go temporarily insane because of trama, stress, or whatever....I'm not saying I don't believe that can happen. I just wish it didn't.

Yesterday on the way home from my mothers house I was listening to Michael Baisden and they were talking about the 15 year old girl that sold herself to some guys then sold her 7yr old sister.... WTH....I mean their has to be some form of abuse going on. I just don't understand what would make a 15yr old do that to her self and her sister? Then you have to wonder about the boys ages 13 and up... WHAT would make them think it's ok to go along with it. The mindset of people and what is going on with their conscience and their values... There are none out there anymore. I mean, I know that when you grow up with abuse especially a sexual abuse your concept of what love is, is ultered. So I am thinking that that girl is going through some kind of abuse that to get someone to do that to her and her sister seeking something else. It's sad and disturbing and I hope and pray that they get some help. I'm mad about it and I hope they both get some help. I do think those boys and the sister should be charged with something... my thoughts are all over the place with this one...

Digressing.............okay.....

Let's see, other than that, getting my son ready for school, he didn't want breakfast so I'm not worrying about that this morning, making hot water for tea and getting him to school in a few minutes. Then back to work. Hope you and yours have a great day and hopefully you treat your neighbor as yourself... If you get upset take a step back and just walk away...Its not worth doing or saying something you will regret.

Have a great Hump Day!

Tuesday morning

2010-04-06T09:55:00.003-04:00

So I'm up early as usual to start the day off. My son is a trip... I'm alittle tired of his laptop because that's all he feels he's going to do. Then he says (while I'm making his lunch) Mommy I need you to sign this paper-reading log..So I asked him what did he read he says Diary of a Wimpy kid. Now I know that is a book and the movie was funny... but he has an activity book which doesn't consist of a BOOK to me, making up your own comic and things like that. Reading a book means a novel; a couple pages in it for about 15 mins... I'm like Jay, come on now, I'm not slow and don't have me signing anything saying that you read something when it's an Activity book...I tell you Kids!!! Been there done that suga!

So I'm sitting here having my breakfast, turkey sausage and hashbrowns and my cat Charlie is so funny. I think he thinks he's a bird... I've watched him looking at birds and doing this weird meow.. like he's trying to sound like a bird chirp. It's so funny. Never seen or heard that before. Midnight on the other hand, she is so prissy, she does not like being outside if it's cold, she's scared of every noise she hears...

Well, I guess that's it with my rambling for this morning. I'm sure something else will have me writing today. That's not completely true, I do have more to write about but we'll just put that convo in a to be continued box and come back to it when the time is right.

by the way... I just learned how to turn my comments section on so comment away?
peace, love and blessings.

It's April.....

2010-04-06T00:00:00.007-04:00

So far life has been good. I can not complain. I'm blessed...I have the best family, good friends and I'm hopeful for the future and love...I've been so busy lately it's good that this month I won't have to travel anywhere just need to study for this exam and now that my son will be going back to school (spring break is over) :) It'll be me, the laptop and my books and flashcards. So we'll see. I needed to buy another book but I don't think I will have time to study that... I'm just hoping and praying I will have enough notes for the test.

I know back in February I said I did not want anything on any level with anyone (I lied to myself) but I actually do and I think that statement was me having my guard up which it is still but not to the point that I don't want to see the possibilites of something real. I do want to have that one person that means something more than the surface or sexual..and I want someone to go beyond the surface with me because I'm more than that. It may take someone a minute to truly have me open up, but I will be as open an honest as possible because I expect that in return. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I guess I am looking for someone to learn to be my best friend...It's not hard to do when theres no hidden agenda. Most people out here have a hidden agenda and maybe I'll luck up and find the one that doesn't have one.
Just saw a commercial for Date Night looks funny...Irronically, what I haven't had before is a real date... I don't know if I would know how to act or what to do or know how to let someone be a man, because I've done everything for so long...just a thought... Then I'm thinking a date that doesn't end up with someone trying to get into my bed...Yeah, sometimes we all want alittle nookie but I want to get to know someone that person get to know me like I said beyond the surface because the surface of everyone we all seem to be the best but beyond whats on the outside what is there. Is there communication, a want to be around and enjoy each others company, going on an outting...I mean, maybe I watch too many movies, anyway....

what else...I haven't written a poem down on paper in a while, but I've written one in my head while driving but ask if I remember it now..... Nope! sucks that I didn't write it down. Anyway, I'm about to go to bed... hoping all is well with any and everyone if anyone is reading this... it could just be me and that's ok too. :)

Peace, light and love
~Marlina

I am so tired but can't sleep

2010-02-23T17:03:00.008-05:00

Ok, so I need to be in the bed...but I can't sleep... I have nothing to write about becaue i'm tired but I'm hoping this will do the trick. :) goodnight

Blissful moments- I acknowledge them.

2010-02-06T22:30:00.002-05:00

Expect the unexpected when you are just doing your own thing and BAM something happens and changes the game. Happiness in unexpected places and a change of pace. It's nice. I like it and It surprises me because it's so unexpected. Which makes it even nicer. But it's only been a week and...it's been a good week I should say. It's like finding something that has been there and you run past it and it's like, where has it been all this time but I'm happy I have it now. Like that. So, that's pretty much it. I'm good. :)

What the heck

2010-01-27T17:44:00.003-05:00

I have this freakin pimple on my nose... one of the worse places to have a pimple. Feel like Rudolph... I just got my hair highlighted and I'm not too sure about this color, but this year is all about the new me, and new things and all that jazz so we'll see how it looks when I have my suits on and I'm trying to be this professional person telling these people about their jobs and what they are suppose to do. I am the youngest and the ONLY black chick in my group. oh boy... I just can't believe I'll be on travel for 3 weeks straight... Texas here I come.

So my son wants to go see Avatar, I don't feel like spending money on this movie, but everyone and their mama says its a good movie. makes me think of the Blue Man group. which just reminded me that I am actually happy to start to be getting out and enjoying life. My friends want to go to Vegas. I don't know if I can hang. I do want to have fun, but that requires spending money. BOOOOOO...

Ok, guess, I better go and get on the road to the movies... Peace, love and blessings.

The Letter: Dear GOD,

2010-01-12T19:35:00.003-05:00

I wrote a letter the other night. I sat here and I was listening to something, don't remember exactly what it was but I got to thinking and I got to writing. I wrote it addressed to God... It was about having a foundation to build upon and knowing the difference between having something that can stand on it's own even when the storm comes or having something that will fall if the wind blows it the wrong way. This is with love and with religion. I am in search of it.. First religion and then love but if one comes before the other it's fine with me. I just hope that love has a foundation and a religion...

I thought I wanted to be wanted; when all I needed was to be truly loved. True love is not limited to desires of the flesh it is the need of the soul and a pure heart. When 2 people put other things first in a relationship the foundation is not strong enough to get through tough situation or temptations and it will have an even harder time finding a foundation to build upon when those other things are covering the groud.... It's like, building a building; you have to clear the area where you plan to build; level it out; make sure you have tools needed; a team that will do the work ; and then you can put all the neccessary things down to build the foudation-bricks, cement, etc.For when the storm comes; the rain falls, nothing will break a sturdy home. But if you don't do all those things first and you build upon grass, rocks, and other things using all the same tools and the same team of people, it may look good, and all that, but when that same storm comes and that same rain falls, the house will drift away and eventually fall to the ground.
Picking up the pieces will be hard, patching the holes will go on for a while, it will only last but so long before it falls again. It just wasn't built right.

Love needs to be built on a firm, leveled out foundation. One can not withstand the storm when it relationship is being held up on one end alone and the other side comes and goes as they please... that one that is holding it all together will get tired and eventually put it down to let it fall. Team work, support, understanding, faith, GOD, Trust, unconditional love with out hurting one another... Peace of mind, not worrying about outside influences, a best friend.

I sat here and watched a movie today. Tyler Perry and it was on point. I can do bad all by myself. Had just enough to get it on sale at Bestbuy. I watch that movie and I thought, wow... Thank you GOD.. Did you answer my letter to you in a movie... isn't that something. No, i didn't go through the married man part, but the part about being with a man that isn't there for me or shows love the way I need it to be, or knowing what to do with my life. So what I may not have this or that, and times get hard. But when I finally do get the man i deserve, i will make sure my eyes are open and it will be built on a foundation of faith and love and he will be my best friend.

Now to the religion side of it all....I believe in GOD...
I am contemplating converting to Islam...I've done some reading on it on line and feel it fits me most. I believe that there is no other god but GOD...I believe in the teachings of Islam and what it stands for. I have been having a delima about being Catholic though not an active Catholic I know that it was the foundation I was brought up on So i can't deny that I am grateful for what I have learned but I do not believe all that was taught to me. I pray that I find the truth in what I am searching for...

A love of my own...

2009-12-28T20:36:00.003-05:00

The new year is slowly approaching and I am left with the thoughts of what my new years resolution will be, what my New Years Motto is, and what I want in my life... my beliefs. I will also be turning 30 and I expected more out of my life by now. But life should not always be planned or rather i can not always be planned as I'm not in control of it all but God is. The past couple of years have been a learning experience for me. In and out of the matters of the heart and just trying to find peace.
A love of my own.... is all about the love i want in my life....A love that is infact mine and pure no infactuations, no question or doubt, but true love.
I want the person to be my best friend. I want to be able to communicate with him about everything in love. We will be able to trust each other, trust in our love. I believe that there is a such thing as the things i want and am looking for or really I want to find me. Patient... love is patient. I'm doing a 40 day challenge on love. The love dare, meant for couples but I'm doing it as an individual to challenge myself on love in general.

I believed that love would be easy it would be just out there to take and make mine. but as I see... there is love out there... all kinds of love, yes, love is easy, but to truly love unconditionally is hard. To have faith and understanding, and being kind can be hard. to treat your neighbor as yourself can infact be hard. To forgive is even harder... I have been in the position to forgive and I know for a fact that love unconditional is hard.

My New Year-> to love myself and in that I will be able to love others. To learn and know the true meaning of what love is. To find time to embrace each moment. To think not only with my heart, my actions, but with logic as well because love is blind. To have a best friend in love, and that best friend have faith. To have fulfillment of oneself first then seek it from others. To learn to trust. To truly forgive and seek forgivness if needed.

So far that's all I came up with. But I'm sure there is more. I just have a clear mind and heart and I'm ready to move forward with whatever God has in store for me.

Organized Chaos

2009-10-12T21:54:00.001-04:00

October 12, 2009

It has been a while since I've written... not that I didn't have anything to say. I thought blogging to myself was stupid, but now I see it's a miniture getaway. Frustration is starting to make it's way back in my life, though I have been feeling quite alright. I just don't know where it's coming from, just don't want it to think it's won. So, I will get myself together and focus on what I need to do, and hope that frustration will see there's no extra room. I have to live my life the best I know how, the best of my life is what I want to live now. I'll be 30 next year, within myself I want to be more sincere. I want to not worry about my heart, by age 30 my heart will make its mark to stand on it's own if need be, or be join with it's kind.

organized chaos
misplaced possessions
unconsciencly conscience
and still can not see
Hearing words
and still can not believe
more than promises, but for keeps
more than moments, but for enterity
organized chaos
misplaced possessions
homeless in a home
soberly drunk into a daze of scattered thoughts
somber hearts, weary eyes where tears used to lie
now dried up by the numbness
organized chaos
and misplaced possessions
a slow path draws near
where your heart will be
the world changes, the light shines through
the love spills out, and all anew.
organized possessions, chaos misplaced
the time is now,
figure out your next move,
your heart will show you how.
Organized Chaos
it's been too long, 3 years later
and this can't last
so Organize the Chaos
and find some peace,
it's time for drama free please.

A rose by any other name

2009-05-27T22:51:00.002-04:00

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. ( A quote from my favorite "play/Movie"- Romeo and Juliet)

I'm a little tired, been easily annoyed lately. With myself or with the way it's been. I don't know. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not enthused either. I'm content, I can't complain. I want but I have everything I need. I'm blessed and highly favored. I'm a gainfully, salaried employed young lady. So what's the problem.... that's what I've been asking myself. Im sure everyone goes through this once in a while when you are just in a blah mood. I could blame it on PMS or what they call it now.. PMDD... Why does PMS end up being a Disorder? from something that's natural. But whatever.
I been trying to find things for myself to do. I joined a gym to do yoga, and it ended up with me signing a personal training contract. I guess I don't really need 8 sessions, I'm not that bad off. I just need a little motivation. Guess the little belly isn't motivation enough lol.

Quiet Moments

2009-05-01T23:02:00.001-04:00

Make time for quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud. You ever heard of the term silence is golden... you wonder why that statement is so true. Only in silence can you find peace, understanding, and wisdom. Why do you find clarity in quiet moments?

I watched a movie tonight, it's called Faith like potatoes... I can honestly say that I did not understand the title, I was going to pick up Bride Wars, but I went ahead and got this movie... I only saw a preview for it on another movie, never hear about it any other way...So I watch it, when I watched it, I had the patio window open, and it seemed like the more I got into the movie, the louder the people were outside, trying to drown out the movie. The movie, was inspirational and actually a true story. I felt like the farmer on the movie, frustrated, angry, and upset and I didn't know why... the past couple of days have been hard for me, and I didn't understand why.... It's a test of faith... A test of humblness, and acknowledging that God is in control and letting go... Faith like potatoes... what in the world does that mean. Then at the end of the movie as I watched and the noise outside disappeared the story about the faith and the potatoes were that... when you plant the potatoe seed, you don't see the potatoes grow, you just have to have faith that its there, that it will be there when it's time to harvest... It's like that with God.. You can't see Him, but you know for a FACT that He is over us all... Belief in your heart, your mind, and your soul..., you have to take time to let it grow in you, let the faith grow and know that He is in control. that He created everything and He want us to trust and believe in Him..Knowing that God is there is undeniable and I have Faith in that... When you need him, he is there, you just have to have faith and believe that no matter what's going on, bad, good, big or small.... God is always there, He Always provide when they say that there is nothing, he can forgive, When the people of this world won't and when you really think about it... So what if the people of this world don't... That's not who you need to worry about anyway. And at the end of this life, if you choose to live your life right according to Him then you can find yourself in Paradise. There is no god but God...

In quiet moments, while sitting here in the house, alone am I finding that I need this moment, to understand my test of faith, get clarity, listen so I can understand, and learn and be open to let what is the will of God.

This is apart of love... Faith....Belief ....Trust...

Love is....

2009-04-22T22:49:00.001-04:00

Love is transparent, seeing through thick and the thin
Love is undying, the strength in it never ends
Love is true, it holds on even through flaws
Love is unconditional it's there through it all

My favorite scripture is in Corinthians it's about Love... When you love as you are suppose to in the bible there is not room for error, no room to cheat, no room for jealous, envy, hurt, resentment, untrust, lies... there is no such thing when you love the way you are suppose to.

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous(love) is not pompus, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interest, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

It makes you think of not only the 10 commandments, but the commandments that trump over them all...Mark 12:28-31
28And one of the scribes came, and having heard them reasoning together, and perceiving that he had answered them well, asked him, Which is the first commandment of all?
29And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord:
30And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.
31And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

Loving your neigbhor as yourself. would you lie to yourself, cheat on yourself, hurt yourself... Leave your self out in the cold, walk passed yourself on the street. Is that love, unconditional.
Life is so short. I've been doing alot of thinking. My past, my present and my future. Anything can happen, am I ready... are you? I think I'm going to be a different me. I'm going to try... I just got a second chance, I got a car just the other day just to take my son to and from school. I want my car to be used for good and not bad, narrow down what I believe because with that Im in between what is truth and what is more man made, to show love to my neighbor like going to a shelter to help serve food, collecting my clothes and taking them and donating them to someone that may like them. those millions of shoes I have.

Love is... transparent
Love is... through thick and thin
Love is...undying
Love is...the strength that doesn't end
Love is...true
Love is...holding on through the flaws
Love is... unconditional and it is there through it all

Love is... the way I want to live... the way I want to give....

Love is......